Comic 950 - Trade up flesh golems

Posted on 19th Apr 2018, 8:38 PM in Shipping Off to Southden
Trade up flesh golems

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Author Notes:

Morgenstern 19th Apr 2018, 8:38 PM edit delete
You send a signal to your rat team to retreat from the tunnels, and start making their way back--stealthily, and separately, like how they got there in the first place.

You make a mental note--body armor and the like would be a good idea. You may even be able to trade some cheap armor up for better gear. You have a few ideas for things you want to try--crafting "bone bombs" and the like in the red, for instance--but your curiosity about the golem trade can wait no longer.

You do what you did before--portaling your whole hand into the red, turning the latent reality into masses of flesh and bone and blood, and slowly forming into it shapes. The one you made last time barely made it back through without any weird side effects, so you keep these golems roughly the same size and shape.

It still takes you a while--not as long as the first one did, and each takes you a little less effort, but it's still pretty time consuming. While your friends set the candles back up for the trading ritual (and clean up from the astral projection one), you forge flesh golems and march them across the lab, into the circle to await the trade. You make the golems eyes of their own, rather than creating a space to put your own eye.

"I just want to say," Fuse begins, "before we start... it's a tough call, there's some stiff competition, but this might be THE weirdest thing we've ever done."

Once all your homunculi are in place, you cleantex yourself... and begin to recite the words to the ritual. As expected, smoke begins to billow from the candles, slowly consuming the circle. Your golems vanish from sight.

As you finish saying the words,

the smoke begins to clear.


Michelle audibly gasps.

Caius starts laughing, maybe harder than you've ever heard Caius laugh.

"I spoke too soon," Fuse mutters. "I spoke way too soon."

Dr. Finch adjusts his glasses... not in his usual, habitual way, but as if to make sure he's seeing things correctly. "...My word."

Your upgraded homunculus looks like a tiny version of you... almost perfectly, in fact. The golem has tiny hands, an identical dress, and... what seems like some very simplistic brain activity. Perceiving through her, you think you can give her fairly basic commands (like you have cats and ravens), rather than having to babysit her like you did previous golems.

"I want one," Michelle finally manages to squeak out.

"No," Fuse says, shaking his head. "We don't need a bunch of these running around the bunker. I don't think I'm ready for that."

Caius has to physically catch his breath from laughing so much. "Oh my goood, this is tha best ritual. It wins. All tha other rituals can go home now."


pkrankow 19th Apr 2018, 9:09 PM edit delete reply
We got trolled.

I bet it is really useful, agile, surprisingly strong, and hard to buy clothes for.

Probably a picky eater too.
Twyll 19th Apr 2018, 9:17 PM edit delete reply
>hard to buy clothes for

It might be surprisingly easy as long as she's American Girl Doll-sized, or if she is close to one of the standard ball-jointed doll sizes. We could dress her up in AG or Dollfie or Obitsu clothes. Those sorts of clothes can be rather expensive (like, at least department store prices, not like, Target prices) but are definitely not hard to find.

...N-not that I would know about absurdly expensive doll-collecting subcultures or anything >_>;
pkrankow 19th Apr 2018, 9:40 PM edit delete reply
Depending on figure and proportions about 4T to 6T childs clothing...if it has adult shapes that might work less well.

Cue the insistance of "she" and follow it with "mini me"
Blue_Elite 19th Apr 2018, 11:17 PM edit delete reply
We could totally get her a sweet lolita outfit. It may quite possibly be the most adorable thing in existence.
nicolas arboleya 23rd Apr 2018, 8:15 AM edit delete reply
Rozen maiden dresses plz
Archon 19th Apr 2018, 9:13 PM edit delete reply
That is hilarious. Also adorable.
Next time we meet the tradesman, should give em our thanks.
Not what we wanted, but the little thing was a good laugh.
Alright, is the clothing made of the same material as the... golem? Blondie Jr.
The simple brain activity is also pretty huge; and a lot more than I would have expected from a bunch of misc. golems.
Archon 19th Apr 2018, 9:20 PM edit delete reply
Ah, I suppose it shows the Tradesmans sense of humor.
Can Blondie Jr. talk?

Thinking on it a bit more, the fact it has even a sliver of intelligence suggests the golems we've been making have some tiny, amoebic level of intelligence. Might have useful applications in the future.
pkrankow 19th Apr 2018, 9:44 PM edit delete reply
Big Red is intelligent, and in the same class as our golems. I would bet we can create human intelligence golems if we tried.
lil Joshu 19th Apr 2018, 9:14 PM edit delete reply
lil Joshu
It'sa Mini-ME! XD
undeadDreamer 19th Apr 2018, 9:16 PM edit delete reply
...If we ever have time we need to make more of these and then trade them for a better one.
Twyll 19th Apr 2018, 9:23 PM edit delete reply
Does tiny Jane have tiny lungs? We can have her try to blow out the candles and see if that works XD

Baby Red has a friend now! :D
37212513 19th Apr 2018, 10:10 PM edit delete reply
Ma Red HAS to have an opinion on this! I wanna hear it!
Crestlinger 19th Apr 2018, 10:11 PM edit delete reply
For those with the talent, Fan Art THIS. LMAO.
Guest 19th Apr 2018, 10:54 PM edit delete reply
Yeah fan art this please. i really wanna see everyone's reactions in a fan art.
Swagner 19th Apr 2018, 10:12 PM edit delete reply
That is amazing. Can she skip? Jump? Say "hello"?

Although as awesome as this is, we may still want to get a move on, prepping for the hack. Thale's not going to wait forever, and we have been jinxed.
Leafia_Barrett 19th Apr 2018, 10:38 PM edit delete reply
I... um... Try to communicate with it?
Blue_Elite 19th Apr 2018, 10:49 PM edit delete reply
Might I propose the name Jan ("Jane" but shorter, much like our little homunculus here)?
EDIT: On second thought, Michelle totally, "wants one." She could name her.

We should test her(?) out. See if she can lift objects and open doors and all that good stuff our previous golems were incapable of doing.
Also we should see how huggable she is. SCIENCE demands it!

Side note about armor: We CAN make bone from the red. Maybe we could make bone chainmail by stitching bone plates together.
Unfortunately we'll probably have to buy a shield. Our limitation is the size of the opening from which we can release the red and a shield needs to be a single, whole structure.
Hello 19th Apr 2018, 10:51 PM edit delete reply
yeah, bone chainmail sounds pretty nice
Hello 19th Apr 2018, 10:57 PM edit delete reply
Yeah, and getting a few more mini-me s wouldn't hurt, heck giving one to Michelle shouldn't be too bad, them running around would probably lighten up the mood
37212513 19th Apr 2018, 11:10 PM edit delete reply
Giving that the size of this thing suggests that she might have to "birth" them as opposed to spitting them out her wrist, "wouldn't hurt" isn't an idea I'd back. Also, cute or not, this thing has focus of enemy attention written all over it.

Not arguing so much as presenting an alternate point of view. Might be good for ADVANCED PRACTICE for future golems though.
hello 20th Apr 2018, 6:42 PM edit delete reply
Ah yeah, that's true
Terrabrand 22nd Apr 2018, 2:49 AM edit delete reply
Man, Caius is correct, as usual. Still best character.